Overwhelming sorrow . . .

Matthew 12:43-45  "When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it.  Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left'.  When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order.  Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there.  And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation."

It is not enough to clean up your life, you must also fill your "house" with the Holy Spirit so there is no room when the spirits return to you.

John 14:23 "Jesus replied, ' If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching.  My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.'"

When I met D I had no idea.  He was a handsome young man who seemed to enjoy life.  As I grew to know him better the Lord revealed the spirit inside of this young man.  I never asked  him about it.  I am not sure he would have told me if I had asked.  Something happened to him or around him a long time ago, and he has been hiding from it ever since.  When I looked at him I saw a scared man.  The kind of scared you would be if you were sure something was about to eat you.  From the time he woke up in the morning to the time he passed out at night he was running to a bottle to hide.  He gathered friends around him and talked loudly to try to make this thing that was going to swallow him go away, but it was always there, lurking in the darkness just beyond.

He got caught up in something he couldn't get out of.  The enemy laid a trap for him and he walked directly into it.  This year he was released from prison.  I always asked C if he'd talked to him or if he'd heard anything about him.  If he knew whether he was out of prison.  C didn't want to talk about D that much.  It wasn't long after his release that it was clear that D was still running from his 'deamons'.  A few nights ago D stopped running.  He was consumed by this thing and chose to end his life.

If anyone is out there reading this know that it doesn't matter what deamon you are running from God can reach through the darkness and take you to a place that is safe.  He has been there with you through your struggle.  Turn to him and ask for his help.  He will show you the way.

Navigation.

When you talk about separation from someone you were never married to I don't think it is as hard as divorce.  You can kick the person out and make them take their stuff and you don't have to go through the pain of having your life ripped in two.  No courts tell you what to do with  your time and your family.  No one tells you what to do with your finances.

Unfortunately no one tells you what to do with your heart.  That is still somewhat broken.  Time can heal wounds.  And mine are definitely healed.  Now it is on to the part of life I find very confusing.  Dating again.  This time around with a daughter.  I am oblivious to flirtation.  I am blunt and I think people should be blunt with me.  It would be refreshing, actually, for a guy to say, "I find you attractive, I would like the chance to get to know you better, may I have  your number?"   I would do it.  It is short and to the point and does the job quite nicely.

Over the last year going to church I haven't invested much of myself in the "community" of the thing.  I go, I glean, I go home.  Having a small baby constrains  your time, especially if you are taking care of her alone.  A little over a month ago my mom came to visit.  She happened to notice the same nice gentleman that waves to me as I leave every Sunday.  Her question was, "Do you think he is really that happy to be serving in the parking lot or do  you think he is just putting on that smile?"  I told her that every time I see him he is smiling like that so I think he truly is happy just to serve others.  That is when she suggested I try to find a guy like that.  Someone who is already serving the church.  I told her I was pretty sure he was married, like many of the men in my age range.  Two weeks after she left I saw him in the parking lot, parking cars on the children's side (where I usually park) of the church.  I took X in to her class room and went back out to find him.  I told him what my mom had said about smiling and told him that his efforts were not unnoticed.  I mean I like it when people tell me the little details I try to help out with are appreciated.

He introduced himself.  I introduced myself.  Every Sunday since then he says hello and calls me by name.  I also say hello and call him by name.  I know he is just friendly with everyone and probably good with names.  He asked me how my mom was doing, I tell him little polite conversation tid bits about me.  He remembers them.  (WHAT?)  For the last two weeks I have been wondering if I should express that I am interested in him.  I know that he has children, he doesn't wear a wedding ring so I guess he isn't married (that is something I will ask very soon).  So he has been telling me little tid bits about himself as well.  

This week X and I played in the foyer at church after the service (let's face it it's cooler in there and she gets to practice on steps, which we don't have at the house.)  After the worship started for the second service I decided we should face the heat (literal heat, not figurative) and head home.  He was parking cars in the lot near my car and as we were leaving he was trying to talk to X.  She was sitting in my arms funny because she was trying to escape so she didn't have to leave.  He ask if she was sleeping I said no, she just didn't want to go home yet.  He told her "you have to go home now,  you have to listen to  your mommy,  you have a great mommy." (I will take flattery, thank you.)  He said, "and if you listen there might be some Braum's in it for  you."  I told him I took her there yesterday and she didn't seem to be diggin' the food.  He says, "Well next time we go to Braum's, I'll just have to help you finish your food."  I laughed politely.  I didn't really want to leave either.  He does have a great smile.  But we had things we needed to take care of, like buying some bug spray so that I don't get eaten alive when I go to hang clothes on my newly strung clothes line.  (yea).  He looks at me and says, "I guess we'll see you in a few days then,  (Inner monologue:  "Here's my number if you want to see us sooner than that.")  I am doing everything I can out here, you know."

It didn't occur to me until later, the way he said what he said.  Next time "we" go to Braum's . . . wait, did he just ask us out?  I guess that means it's my turn.  Remember, I like to be blunt we'll see how far that gets us.  I will report how it goes.

Heat Wave . . .

In case anyone nearby wondered, it is still June.  The weather for the last few days has hit 100 or higher without the index and obviously higher still with it.  Thurday's forecast is 101, Friday 100, Saturday 100, Sunday 96 and 20 % chance of rain.  Somehow I think the rain will evaporate before it even gets to our level in the atmosphere.

More than a week ago I discovered that my central heat and air unit is entirely on it's last leg.  The $2,000 I spent having them put in new return duct work basically went down the drain.  It was a tough call to make but if it had worked it would have been great.  As the weather started heating up I find out my conditioning side of the unit is giving up all together.  The repair man says, "Fixing it is going to cost around the same as (a back up measure like a window unit) and will probably still go out on you within a short amount of time."  That would be ok if it weren't 15 days to the end of the month and there weren't many more dollars than that.  I was hoping this heat would be more of a short wave than a tall one but it is hitting hard and not really letting up anytime soon.  Again it is still June and probably going to get worse.  What ever it feels like outside, it feels like it is 20-30 degrees hotter inside.  I have one window I can open, the rest had been painted shut by the previous owner.  (On a side note - he can paint the windows shut but he can't caulk around the panes?)  And trying to get them open would be next to insane in this heat.  

I have been so disturbed by this that every thought from, "what is there I can do" to "I am packing up and going back to the mountains" has run through my head.  Mom has helped out with some money.  If I'd asked her for enough to buy a window unit she would have sent it but I  have yet to ask.   I finally settled on cashing out my IRA rollover from my two years in Knoxville and then trying to find a unit to put in today.  

Naturally I am behind the curve on this so finding a reasonably priced one on short notice is difficult but I managed to find one that should be in tomorrow at ACE Harware, just down the street from my house.  I used some of the money mom sent to buy another fan making it 2 box fans and 2 stand fans.  It only helps a little because you can hardly call 95 degrees a cool breeze.  Supposedly they have my name and number and are supposed to let me know as soon as they arrive at the store.  (Why do I think that is going to go south quickly?)  I pleaded with their sense of dignity and let them know I have a small child and no a/c so this is vital for me.  I am going to be spending most of this evening trying to find a small unit to put in my small window in the baby's small room and hopefully that will be my back up incase I find nothing tonight.

That is the hardest part though.  Not the finding of a small unit it is dealing with the fact that X is vulnerable to the heat.   Two nights ago she was warm enough that she was breathing fairly quickly for being asleep so I grabbed her and the fan and went outside where it had cooled off by a few more degrees than it had in my house and there was a slight and warm breeze.  The sad thing for her is that she also has loose poo problems that have given her a diaper rash from hades.  The poo is not a heat related issue (as I was told by my doctor) so we will also be buying the regimine he suggested for healing the rash and solving the loose poo.  When you have diaper rash it is hard to sit still when you are being held and standing out on the porch together was not helping that situation.   Finally her breathing slowed down enough that I felt better about taking her back in the house.  I put all of the fans on her and she seemed to do well enough to sleep ok.  Of course I had to change her in the middle of the night and keep pushing the fluids a couple of times.  At this point I am not even stressing out about my lack of sleep, I am just concerned about her getting enough sleep and being cool enough.  I am going on my third day of restlessness from checking to make sure she is breathing ok to guaging how much sweat she has produced and filling bottles with milk and water to make sure she is getting enough fluid.  

Tonight is going to be rough on her as well since we will be getting in and out of the car constantly looking for a window unit in this city that is within the price range of what I can pay.  I will be putting her food together and hoping she will eat it.  When the baby has poo problems like this the doctor says her diet needs to be Banana, Rice Cereal, Applesauce, and Toast (BRAT).  For the rash she will get corn starch.  And push fluids (except milk).   This is where I feel inadequate as a mom.  Other mom's know this stuff - I don't.  Fortunately I have excellent support behind me so I get to learn this stuff.  Right now I have to focus on finding a window unit.  How big is that stupid window anyway?   

New, new, new . . .

All last week a very kind man has been helping me with my jungle.  It has been whacked down to what you see here.  In Oklahoma the hottest part of the day is between 4 and 6 pm.  He was mowing during that period.  The next day had to go to the doctor because he dehydrated.  Yes, as you can imagine, I felt horrible about that.  Yesterday he came by and started the raking process.  It hasn't been really raked and taken care of for a couple of years so once again it is a tough process.  I am making sure he has plenty of water as he is working in my yard.  I am considering buying him a camelback so that he can stay hydrated while he works as a thank  you.  When my jungle is a yard again I will post pictures of him.  I  can not thank him enough for the work he has done.

 

For my gardening efforts.  I was really hoping that something would come of this plant.  I am getting very discouraged as the fucsia is dwindling quickly in the heat despite my best efforts to keep it watered.  I hope it holds out until I can get some plant food.  Hopefully that will perk it up.  As for this little guy, I guess you are supposed to see as many fruits as you see blooms but I will be happy if this one makes it.  My rose has sprouted another bud.  I all but thought it had given up too.  Maybe my thumbs aren't so black any more, maybe they are just brown - ish.

Did you know this is where your fingers go?  So much of what she is doing these days is visual and it is hard to catch her with the camera doing the things that make me smile the most.  It'd be one thing if she was only putting one finger up there but I suppose she's mastered that.  Now she is going for the two finger dig.  And really it's not that she is digging anything out, she just likes how it feels to have her fingers in her nose . . . at the same time.

My favorite little face she makes.  This is not a pucker, however, this is an expression that can mean anything from "no, I am not liking that idea" to "yes, mama, I'd like that very much."  She just gets really happy when she can get you to do this back.  As with many things she is working on.  If she does it . . . she wants you to do it too . . . so she can laugh at you.  

We are working on switching her from a bottle to a cup.  Some days she is loving the cup and some days she wants all her fluids in a bottle.  One way or another she has bypassed the tradition of the milk "mustache" in favor of a milk "beard".  I say, way to forge  your own path.

Banana Nut Cheerios in the tea cup - milk in the bottle.  One of these days she will get the two together but she doesn't want them in the same recepticle at the same time. For now . . . 

Also my central heat and air went out.  It is a Goodman machine and just about everything that can be replaced on it has been and it still isn't working.  It will be the beginning of July before I can get a window unit but until then it has been a challenge to come up with inexpensive ways to "cool off".  This is her first experience with freeze pops.  Up until now she has been really offended by anything cold in her mouth.  Cold milk, ice cream . . . anything.  Through the heat of our home she is learning the value of cool things.  Now if only I could figure out what gets freeze pop stains out of baby clothes.

I was really hoping to get by with not having ever given my child soda.  The challenge to this is I am not the only one who feeds her.  I have accepted that because I have to work that I cannot be there to monitor all day the things she consumes but I wish someone would own up to having given her her first taste of soda.  I can't have one in any for at the house with out her being very upset that I am not sharing it with her.  She grabbed my empty cup out of the cup holder on the end of the couch, played with it and tossed it up on the couch.  In this picture you see her standing on the very tips of her toes trying to reach the cup.

She did get some help reaching it.  But I show you this to say, she knows how to use a straw and is getting better at it all the time.  Most of the liquid even stays in her mouth now and that makes me very happy.  In a few more weeks I might just get rid of her bottles all together, just as soon as I get a window unit to cool down the house.

On an unrelated note.  I am seriously thinking about buying a new line and braving the bird poo by setting up the clothes line.  If nothing else I won't have to worry about the dryer heating up the house when I finally get it cooled down to a bearable state.  Any tips on hanging the line?

Double the fun. . .

Xyla is learning the value of being able to indicate yes and no.  She has the head shake down pat but she can't quite nod yes just yet.  This is a fun exercise for me.  I will ask her something.  She will shake her head no.  I will ask her no meaning no, or no meaning yes.  She shakes her head no again.  So I tell her if you want to "insert action here" please stand up and come here.

Sometimes she really means no and stays firmly put but the times she means yes, sometimes it may take her a minute to grasp the directions I have given her and employ them.  Then there are the times when she shakes her head no, so I shake my head no, she shakes her head no again, I nod my head yes, she thinks about the nod and I can tell she is trying to nod but can not figure out how to make her head nod up and down and not shake from side to side.  She is trying, and I am getting a kick out of it.

This morning we decided to sit outside for a few minutes before we left for "school" and work.  She had her bottle - which she is now taking to putting in her mouth but not drinking fluid from.  She was sitting on the opposite side of the porch from me and pointing at me with one hand.  I ask her if she'd like to sit with mommy on the swing,  She shakes her head "no".  I ask is that a no, no or is that a yes I'd like to but can not nod "no".  She shakes her head again.  She sets her bottle down and starts to get up.  I am thinking, "fantastic, she wants to sit by me - yea."  She toddles over to the porch swing and I reach down to lift her on to the swing, she looks at me and shakes her head no again.  She proceeds to stand in front of the swing so that I can not swing anymore either.  I guess that was a no "no".  She goes over to play with the dirty water on the porch made by watering the fucshia.  I tell her, normally we can play in the water but not when we are eating and drinking.  She sets the bottle down and continues to play in the water.

She may look like her dad, but she acts just like me.  This is going to be fun.

How can I help you to say goodbye.

What happened last night was completely unreasonable.  

I happened to flip through some pictures a school friend posted of his little sister's wedding.  She was stunning.  It made me get a little choked up.  

Last night I awoke around midnight and just bawled.  I wanted so badly to say something that didn't sound creepy to both of them but couldn't figure out what could be said with class about the situation.   I never knew my friend or his family that closely so I really think it would be out of place and akward to say what I want to say.  

I first sat near him in my English classes because of the alphabetical seating arrangement.  His family attended my church and I can say I knew of them but I never really got to be close friends with him so I didn't know them well.  As we were in college and involved in a couple of projects together I learned that his mother was battling cancer for the second time and that it was unlikely that she would survive.  I didn't have to know her well to know what an amazing woman she was.  There was something about her that made you want to be in her circle.  She had class, beauty, grace - a dashing husband and picture perfect children.  It was not a fascade as you might suspect.  You just knew that she had true joy in her life.  She made the world a better place just for being in it.  

I am not sure exactly when she passed away but eventually I leaned that she had passed.  I know how deeply my friend loved his mother so I really wanted to reach out to him but it really wasn't my place.  He had closer friends and family who were giving him all the support they had and there wasn't room for what I could give.  I gave my condolences and let him know if he needed to talk that I was available.

I am not sure why it hit me so profoundly that I cried for almost an hour last night but I kept thinking about those pictures and the one thing that was missing, the same thing missing from my friends wedding pictures and the same thing that will be missing from my friend's son's life.  Their mother who should have been able to be there for all of this.  Through all of the healing they have experienced together I am sure they have all come to a place where they accept that this is the way things are but I grieved last night for their loss.  I can't imagine how they felt that day but I really wish their mom would have been able to see her baby girl get married. 

I don't get emotional like this.  I am not in such a physical state where inexplicable emotions are expected.  But if there is a reason I was called on to grieve last night then I gladly accept.  I don't think it would be anything less than akward to tell them what happened but I needed to get it out.

Behind the Name.

I guess before I go too much further I should explain the name of this blog.  I was adopted by my dad when I was two.  His family name is Young.  This family name is chuck full of history.  It traces back to Thomas White, who was one of the organizers of the Boston Tea Party.  (this part I am hijacking from my dad's face book account) "Fought in the Revolutionary War along side General Washington. Fought in the War of 1812 where he lost 2 sons, had 21 children "

Also, according to my grandfather, we are related to Maryanne Evans who wrote under the pen name George Elliot and authored "Silas Marner".  This family holds a long, long line of teachers and people who rise up against unseeming odds.  I used to tell people I have a family history of social deviance so it was my duty to continue the legacy and do what no one thought me capable of.  

I was able to spend one amazing Christmas with my grandfather at his home in Pennsylvania while I was working in Tennessee.  I spoke with him about every thing from his boyhood, to my grandmother, who I have no recollection of, to our family history.  He took me to the place where Thomas White was buried.  Over that Christmas I came to understand the history and the pride of being a "Young".  It is more than social deviance, it is about standing up for what is right and standing up for people who cannot stand on their own.  My grandfather was suffering from his age and had a propensity to repeat the same stories over and over, sometimes right after he just told you that story.  Some of our family members would let their eyes glaze over and just think "oh here we go again."  But I honestly was grateful to have the chance to film him as he talked about these things.  I put together a short video about him and who he was from day to day.  Although if you ask Alberta, she'd say he was putting on a show.

In some ways I am glad that I am not married.  Let's leave it at, my brother is not going to have children and as women, my sister and I are supposed to take on the man's last name.  In effect the legacy of my grandfather's lineage ends with me.  I was able to pass on our last name to my daughter.  Hopefully if I ever get married I will be able to convince my husband to change his last name.  Just because we are traditionally a patriarchical society doesn't mean it always has to be that way (I am polishing the finer points but I am pretty sure I can at least make a good argument for it.)  

As it stands I have passed the name to X.  But it really doesn't matter what my last name is I will always be a "Young".  When you are born into a family, they can disown you.  When you are adopted into one, you are legally bound to them.  

I guess that throughly explains the Forever part of it, and efficiently the "Young" part.  Now you  might be thinking that "Forever Young was already taken . . . etc, etc."  But the reality is Youngin was exactly what I intended.  You see that is what my best friend calls me, "Youngin'"  and I can't have a blog with out a shout out to the most amazing best friend ever, who by the way is also a single mom.  Wait . . . I need to go call her.  I'll catch you chickens later.

Faith . . .

I keep waiting for the next step in life.  I am not even sure what that means.  I have spent much of my life moving from one step to the next.  High school - done.  College - done.  Career - done.  Family - half done.  

What are my goals?  What is there to reach for now?  

A long time ago my youth pastor gave a message about listening for the still small voice of God. (Thank you Ty.)  He encouraged us that if we wanted to hear Gods voice we should pray and ask to be able to discern between God's voice and what is equivalent to our internal monologue.  I felt like I had led a pretty decent life up until that point but that something was missing.  I felt like in my relationship with God the conversations were decidedly one sided.  I heard a lot of my own voice but I never really heard his.  I asked for a lot of things and didn't really feel I was getting answers.  So I prayed . . . I prayed that I would "really" hear his voice.  

About a week later my mom had sent me to McDonalds with some cash to pick up some quick breakfast.  I was standing in line behind an elderly couple and behind me was another business looking woman.  As I am standing there the cashier tells the elderly woman the amount and she sets about looking for her coin purse (because that was the word she used).  

It occured to her that she had left the purse at home and that neither she nor her husband had any money to pay for the food.  Immediately in my head I hear "pay or their food".  Then I thought, "I should pay for their food, I wonder how much it is, will I have enough for their food and for ours, I have to show up at home with our food, I am sure mom is as hungry as me . . ." as I am standing there making excuses for myself the woman behind me places some money on the counter and walks out the door.  It was more than enough for their food.  

I felt so guilty because two things had happened, one I got what I asked for I heard God's voice, and two when I failed to move on God's direction he used someone else to bless that couple.  The part that really got to me was I had more than enough money to pay for their food and for ours.  Not only that but I know that if I went home with out money or food and explained to my mom what happened, she would have given me more money and I could have gone back for food.  I felt very humbled.  Was it that God had never spoken to me before or that I was so self absorbed that I was just talking over Him?

A few years ago I had gone my own path and tried to do things my own way.  After all I had gotten myself this far.  (Pride - fall . . . you know what they say.)  I was shooting an interview with a reporter I hold in great esteem.  We interviewed Dave Ramsey.  He is a money guy.   You can read his blog, his bio, ect if you google his name.  Banks and credit card companies hate that name.  He is a very charismatic speaker.  I don't agree with all of his politics but his money theory is biblically based and inspired me to listen once again when that voice spoke to me.  I don't know if it was in a dream or what but one day I woke up and knew two things I was going to get my money under control and my relationship was going to suffer for it.

I began tracking my spending, cutting out things I knew were unnecessary and saying no to the one person who made it feel good to say yes when it came to spending money.  Phrases he used were "you deserve it", "you work hard for that money and you should enjoy it" and "if you are going to get one shouldn't it be the best one."  Often that meant pulling out the credit card and buying things I could "pay for with my next check" (which never happened).  I got up to $5,000 in debt on that credit card.  Like many others my company kept upping my limit but I could barely swallow the minimum payment with out choking.  I was on the verge of not being able to pay my bills and that was not a place I ever wanted to be.  

The voice I heard told me to follow a path that would not be easy.  I have heard that word before too.  I have the best - best friend as a result so I knew God had good things in store and it made it an easy choice to make.  I knew that obeying this word was probably going to mean leaving my relationship behind but God prepared me for that.  Mid way through my plan to get things under control I became pregnant.  I knew that something other than what my partner was telling me was going on with someone else and three months into my pregnancy found out it was with someone he'd already cheated on me with.  Which made it easier to remove him as a force in my life.  Where as before I was tempted to let him back in to my life so that I wouldn't be lonely . . . the numbers just wouldn't allow it to happen.  If I wanted God's gift in my life, if I wanted to see what blessing was in store for being obedient to the direction He gave me . . . I just couldn't let him back into a position of influence in my life.

But now the pressure to do what I set out to do was mounting, I had  reason to get things in order . . . I had a new, precious, life scheduled to arrive and I couldn't look back.  Financially things fell into place at exactly the right time I got a new job, I was able to take in a roommate for a short period of time, I was able to be strict about my spending in a way I hadn't been in years and it felt good to see things meeting ends.  As soon as my debt was squared away, the markets crashed.  I got this image in my head of standing on a rock and the waves crashing around me but not touching me.  It was something I had drawn in a sketch book years and years ago but I was feeling it this time instead of just looking at it.  All I could do was praise the One who helped me to recognize His voice and put me in a place where trusting Him became easier than waking up in the morning.

I made a promise to God that when my child was born I would do everything I could to raise her according to His plan.  To help her to trust in God the way I am learning to.  Ever since July of last year we have been coming to church every Sunday.  We have been attending People's Church.  I have been to many churches across the nation that have taught me many things.  The importance of worship, the importance of fellowhsip, the power of a church that prays.  I was concerned with this church when I first went to it.  I have been to big churches before and some preach the "salvation" message every Sunday.  I feel there is a mission field for those churches but I don't need to be saved every Sunday, I need to be fed the word.  That is why I am thankful I found this church.  I can see the evidence of listening when God speaks to you.  But most of all I am learning that in every message there is something God wants me to hear, some aspect of himself he wants to reveal, some thing he wants me to work on and I am pushing past thinking, "It would be great if so and so were here, I think this message was just right for them."  To thinking, "If this message were meant for so and so, they would be here, but they are not and I am, so what in this message is just for me."  

It feels really good to have the opportunity I am embarking on this next Sunday.  It is father's day and I am going to confess to the church my promise to God to raise my daughter to follow Him.  What ever sacrifices we have to make, "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."  

This last Sunday was very special to me.  The word that was for me was the nature of "faith", and to see my little girl at one year old raising her hands in praise during the worship service and praising her heart out even though she doesn't know many words.  It reminds me of where my journey began and helps me to know we are in the right place.

What do you do with a drunken sailor . . .

After X went to bed last night I wanted to get some things on my home computer organized.  As I was going trough I had a fantastic idea for a digital scrapbooking thing to put together for my friend Heather who's daughter is two weeks younger than X.  It's rare to have a friend you've known since before  you were born but we have pictures at the respective baby showers to prove it.  

I am always grateful when people will let me photograph them.  I feel like I am still in the portfolio stage of getting my business together so to me this is a labor of love.  I pride myself on the fact that I don't do traditional poses.  The first picture is at the park, the second is in their home and the third is back at the same park as the first.  This is the way I give back to those who will sit through me learning more about technique.

I had to pull pieces from several sources on this but I like the overall look I was able to put together.  It certainly took longer than I expected but it didn't come from a template.  I am really starting to like this set up.  I think I can do some wonderful things for people.

Activities.

You can't have a blog where you talk about your kid and not have pictures of her.  I am horrible with the amount of pictures I take of her.  I am a photographer and I have a captive subject.  I am not sure how long it will be before she starts getting mad at me for taking her picture but I figure I will take as many as I can now.  I am just glad she has an adventurous spirit and that all of the pictures don't have my feet in them.

On an interesting note.  Even when we were planting this climbing rose.  She never touched the stems or the flowers she has always just been interested in the dirt in the planter.  That may change over time.
I just love her little feet.  It was the first and only part of her I got to see until they were finished sewing me up from the c-section.  The first thing I said about my daughter, "her feet look just like mine."  Of course it is becoming more and more clear that is one of only three things she got from me.
Most moms would be freaking out at this point.  Her daddy was.  But I had faith that she wouldn't jump off just yet.  She knows  her limits.  Or maybe she just doesn't like jumping from heights like me.  Either way when she starts building up courage, I may not get these shots.

Look how close she got to the edge.  I am so proud of her.  In another 3 months I will be taking her so we can start bouldering at the climbing gym.  I am so excited.

I know it looks like she is sleeping here but please note that her first finger there looks really grey compared to her other fingers.  That is because her eyes are slightly open and she is tapping her finger.  What you can't see is that she is actually singing a song as she taps.  I get good morning wake-ups like this most of the time.  It really puts my whole day in a great mood.


She is showing her daddy what we planted.    When she tells you a "story" she waves her arms about to make sure you are getting her point.  It's lost on this audience.
See what she does is get a hold of my purse and pulls out all the contents.  She gets distracted and doesn't put them back in.  So I decided that it didn't matter what age the magazines and such tell you is an appropriate age, she needs a purse of her own.  In her purse is her cell phone (toy-provided by daddy), a pair of sunglasses and her "medicine".  It's the syringe I give her medicine in but it has nothing in it.  There is also a used gift card in there because when we go to the store she helps mommy hold the cards (it's a very important job) and then helps me pay for the groceries when we are done shopping.  I don't think it is ever too early to start teaching kids about money.


In case you are wondering,  yes, those are peas in her shoe.  The bad news is she put them in there while playing "quietly" by herself yesterday.  The good news is . . . it's a refrigerator magnet.

To start out.

Toddler on the brain is where I am at in my life.  The first year of your child's life is the all consuming fire.  I can see how relationships get strained in the first year.  I suppose that is why I am glad that I am not in one.  I can tell you right now if X's father was living with us right now we would be fighting all the time.  We have widely varying ideas on how to raise children.  Yes I knew that before we created life but I really thought he would walk away.  It is not a commentary on what kind of person he is, I just thought the reality of her would be more than he was willing to handle.  It's more like I hoped he would.  I don't think it would be right to air all the laundry so let me leave it at he visits her but still doesn't know the difference between a sleepy cry and a "I just cut my arm off." cry.

I guess I am starting this blog for the purpose of expressing my parenting ideas - seeing if they work - going back to look at my ideas and explaining to myself why things worked or didn't work.  

This blog is also going to have some information about my experience as a mentor to a teenager.  I have never been one before but someone I know fairly well trusts me to influence her child in as positive a manner as possible.

I am working on starting a lawn from scratch with seed just to see if I can make it work.  Along with that are the renovations that I think will enhance my property that may take years to finish but will hopefully leave some important information in the wake.

As a fourth purpose to this blog I want to find out what it takes to really help a community get off the ground.  My area is suffering from isolation from each other as neighbors and as a result the crime is increasing.  I will explore my ideas on how to pull it all together.

Of course all of this is to teach my daughter how easy it is to isolate yourself and how important it is to be involved and engaged with your community.  Bear with me as I describe life as a single mom of one toddler, a member of a struggling community and trying to be one person who makes a difference in the world, even if it is only felt for four square city blocks.