Something new

Over the weekend I got a wild hair . . . so I colored it

I guess you could call it growing up or something. I have always opened my eyes in the morning knowing that I was blond. Ever since I was little, very - very blond. After the last eight years, I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror. So I took to not looking. At least, not for very long.

I have felt twelve years old since I turned 12 years old. This weekend, after much debate with my me-ness, I finally decided to dye my hair. My mom immediately wanted to know why I chose red. To be honest I have wanted it to be this color for a long time. I remember my mom's hair when I was in 3rd grade. It was just about this color and I loved it. But I would always run across stylists that wanted my hair to be a color they thought was right for me. Or others who ruined my color because they were focused on other people and not on the special needs of my crazy hair.

I found one who took one look at my hair and said, "oh, yeah, we can do that."

When all was said and done, this is what happened. I knew I would look ok with it this color because, genetically speaking, it was born in me. Ever since I gave birth to my daughter, something weird happened to my blond-blond hair. It became this mousy blond color that I didn't like at all.

Finally, now that all goals are complete that have taken my time and attention, I decided to do what was in my mind to do. What I didn't expect was not recognizing myself anymore.

Part of me feels like I missed more than 20 years of my life and I woke up Sunday morning as a grown-up. The most significant thing though has been people reacting to new me. I ran it by my family and they are ok with it. I ran it by my friends and one said it was like I should have always had hair this color. I am sure once everyone sees it, the newness will wear off and I will have to come to terms with the 20 years. So please be patient with me as I learn to adult.

Joy comes with the morning . . .

This whole week has been surreal. I have been watching wonderful things happen all around me. People who have been waiting to have a baby have finally been blessed with the happy news of a viable pregnancy. A friend who is close enough to call sister who was mistreated in her career finally received news of her promotion. A friend trying to slog her way through the rigors of divorce got a job offer that puts her on a path to fiscal recovery. Another friend is seeing the rewards of a lifetime of good work ethic.


I am happy for all of these people. After witnessing their reward for long suffering, I am encouraged.


For me, there is tinge of sadness. I don't know what is left to hope for. You know how I talked about that lesson that I have been trying to teach Xyla, well, I guess it is time for me to pay attention and practice what I preach. These people have blessed me with the opportunity to help them celebrate their long fought victories so I am going to count that joy. For my ride, I am going to sit back and see where life is going to take me. 

Time is short . . .

This weekend my daughter turned to me and said, "you know how I told you you are the best mom ever? It is because of stuff like this!"


Earlier I had asked her if she wanted to go for a drive on Sunday afternoon. She was all for it. As we set out on the drive we started to head toward my surprise for her. Normally, she can't stand waiting on a surprise. I always ask her if she trusts me. She used to say, "no." But I wouldn't tell her.


We turned into the small theme park we have here near our house and she was so excited she could barely contain herself. We walked over to the passport office. She didn't know what that meant since she'd never been before. We walked through the entrance and showed them her passport. I told her, this card makes it so we can come here any time we want to this season. *Cue best mom ever statement.


There is a bitter sweetness in this though. She is always concerned that someday we will not be together anymore. I get the impression she thinks that time is short. I hate to say it but I sometimes feel that way too. I feel like something is in our destiny.


So I am trying to teach her all the skills she will need to take care of herself. One of the most important things I taught her this weekend was that sometimes you go where life takes you and you'll be rewarded. It isn't always important to know exactly where you are going. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn. I have always had a contingency plan for my plans.


The other thing that has been hard for me to get is that I don't laugh as much as I should. Twice in the last few weeks, she has been amazed at me laughing as though she'd never seen it before. And that kind of breaks my heart. Mostly because I know it means I have been so focused on planning to plan that I have forgotten the point of the lesson up there. So my New Years Resolution, starting today, is to laugh more because . . . time is short.

Best Friends

I was sitting at my desk. I just responded to an email and pretty much wrapped up the last item on my to do list for the day. It was just before lunch so I took a detour into Facebook and found that my best friend was at Lagoon and nearly in tears because she was lonely.

I called my boss and asked for the afternoon off. I am sure he wants me to take my annual leave more than four hours at a time but it is what I have. He didn't ask questions simply said yes.

I went home and changed my shoes. Going to spend the afternoon at a theme park is the one instance where even the cutest heels are not going to cut it. I called her and told her I was on my way.

After riding a rollercoaster that didn't have a camera to capture the moment you realize it doesn't just drop down, it tips you almost all the way over, eating fried lunch and hoping in the photo booth to take a crazy set of pictures, we decided to ride the gondola.

Utah is a weird place where everyone is super nice everywhere but on the road. So the school kids who invaded the park that day would wave and say a polite hello. One passing gondola had two girls in it. One girl looked at my friend and I and said, "you two look like best friends." We told her we are. She said that she and the girl in her gondola were also best friends. Since there wasn't much time for chatting my friend told them to keep it up as along as possible.

It probably sounded like a weird thing to say, but if they knew what we know it wouldn't sound that way. Especially because of the unconventional way this all started.

I was 16 and my parents informed me that we were moving to Idaho. I thought I was going to graduate where I was at but instead I had to do what is hard for kids to do, move and start all over again. I prayed and told God that if he wanted me to be ok with this he would have to send me a best friend. I had friends I wa s close to but by the time I moved there in 3rd grade, the best friend ties were already made.

I felt like the answer I got was "Ok, but it won't be easy." I didn't understand it at the time. Now I know that to initiate a best friendship with someone at age 16, something had to be truly broken. And we both were. She had a series of disappointing friendships to say the least which made her less than receptive to trusting anyone.

We've gone through hell in 20 years, at times losing touch sometimes with reality sometimes with eachother. I don't think it sank in that she was stuck with me for life until she was on strict bedrest when she was pregnant. That is when I think she gave in.

Her son is now a teenager and when she chaperoned him and his friends, they took off and left her by herself. The other parents buddied up and she felt very alone sitting on a bench by herself. She posted this fact on facebook.

Now. This is a delicate thing. See, in 1997 my English class (AP for those wondering) was taking a field trip to Salt Lake to see The Scarlet Letter. It turned out there were extra seats on the bus, extra students would just need a lunch and permission from their parents.

I invited her to come. She hated English class with a passion usually reserved for people who cut in line without acknowledging they just made your wait even longer. She also hated getting up early and the bus left at 6 a.m. She never said whether she was going. But when we got to the playhouse, I found out she'd made it on the second bus, didn't have time to pack lunch and was just able to get her mom to agree.

She was there because she knew I didn't want to be alone.

Fast forward. I knew she didn't want to be alone. So even though I am not the kind of person who ditches work to go to an amusement park, I did it anyway Having her as my best friend for 19 years hasn't always been easy. There were times I made it hard and times when she made it hard. But it has always been worth it.

God gave her to me and I never want to waste auch a precious gift. I know that one day I will get the news that she is gone. I have been preparing myself for that news since we were 18. And that is why I giver her everything I have to give. I know my time with her is limited so I have to make the most of it

What's toast got to do with it?

In venturing out into the world of dating, one guy put an interesting concept out there. He went on and on about how we have become a disposable world where nothing is as it seems and people don't value anything any more.

Then he gave a specific example of when your toaster breaks, you throw it out and buy a new one instead of getting it fixed.

So here is the story about my toaster.

When we moved to Idaho my mom's toaster gave out and mom said we'd get a new one after the move. We were toastless for a couple of years. When my mom's boss asked what he should get me for my graduation present, I told him I wanted a toaster. Because I missed toast.

The reasons I have nothing but love and respect for this man start with the fact that he's blind and teaches other people to deal with their blindness to his generous support of me by lending his car to me in high school. Let that sink in . . . Blind guy . . . Lent me his car. Moving on.

He is one of the few men who get it. If you don't know what a woman wants . . . ask, if she tells you, belive her. When I opened the present he brought, I was ecstactic. He thought it was weird but my happiness confirmed it.

With graduations coming soon I just want to emphasize that through six moves and four states, my toaster and I are still together! So here is the metaphor - if you take care of something it will last forever.

While the guy was impressed by the fact that I have had the toaster that long, it turned out that he sounded older than he let on. I am not sure he has ever been to Italy and after telling me he was "the one" for me and to stop looking for anyone else - he called in a raincheck half an hour before our first date and hasn't called back since.

I guess I just have to get someone to believe I want a quality toaster.

I . . . have no idea!

When I was pregnant with Xyla, I wasn’t nervous about pregnancy, I wasn’t nervous about being a single mom. I was nervous about how the baby gets from one place to the other. It was the most grueling experience of my life recovering from a c-section. I am telling you, if you can survive that – you can survive anything.

I am facing dating again and I have to admit, it isn’t the dating that makes me nervous. It isn’t the idea that I could one day get married. I am nervous about how I am supposed to get from one to the other.

You can read a thousand articles titled “How to get a man to marry you” and you will either see the same advice in 3, 5, 7 and 10 ways varieties or you will see things that will only apply to a very select population of men. I . . . have tried nearly every way. (See how I am leaving room for there to be that one key piece that I don’t ever get because I don’t go to the 31^st page of results or further?)

Someone looked at me and said, “You are hot, you are educated, you are nice . . . how are you still single?” Eventually, he’s going to figure out that reason and will likely keep it to himself to spare my feelings and I will never get to know. Same way I have lost out on loving and knowing a variety of nice guys.

I just had a date cancel on me last night. He hadn’t even met me yet and he just knew I was going to be the one. Wisking me off to Vegas. Taking a year off with me to travel around the world . . . we’d go to the opera, listen to Enya with a bottle of wine in the woods, and fall madly and deeply in love. I’d better not call and cancel on him because he was my “one”.

When I told him I would have to check with my babysitter to make sure I wasn’t interfering with her plans to be able to give him a time to meet for the date . . . hmmmm. Sure as life, I got a text that said, “I just got off work, I am super tired and I am going to need a rain check.”  Pretty sure I won't hear from him again.

Sorry. My “one” wouldn’t do that. And then it occurred to me.

They don’t ask. None of them have ever asked. They decide I want or need something they can’t be or provide and they run away. They don’t ever let me speak for myself about what it is I want or need. So I guess, in my mind, the ideal man is the one who lets me participate in the relationship. Seems simple enough . . .

Almost overnight . . .

Children grow in leaps and bounds - everybody knows this. It is the long stretch to summer and it seems like some kids (read-mine) is already in the summer groove. She has been forgetting her homework lately. I did something for the first time I have never had to do. I had to punish her.


There is correction, which isn't punishment it is a nudge in the right direction when things start to go wrong. But this wasn't that. This was me telling her I needed her to focus even harder right now while she is supposed to still be learning important things at school.


The first time she forgot I told her to please remember it tomorrow. Sure mom. The second time she forgot I told her she can't play with her friends if she forgets her homework. Sure mom. She had to listen to me tell her friends she couldn't play because she forgot her homework a few times that week. I know they probably aren't old enough to get the concept yet but they all go to school with her and were supposed to influence her to remember. Nope.


So with the forgetting of Monday last week came the mother of all punishments. I told her no friends and no tv or electronics. Immediately she says, "that's not fair."


I know people think it is weird that I have these conversations with my kid but I don't care. She gets it. I told her it was exactly what fairness is. I told her that school is her one big responsibility. She was asked to focus and make sure her homework came home and got done. She said she would and she didn't hold up her end of the deal. I explained that playing with friends and electronics time is a privilege that she earns by being responsible. She has not done what she agreed to do, therefore, it is perfectly fair that she doesn't enjoy the privilege that follows the task.


Hopefully that was sufficiently painful enough for her to fully get it. She brought it home yesterday so we shall see. I explained that this is one of those life skills she will need to take care of herself one day and I am trying to teach it to her.


She is scared to death to be away from me. Every time she thinks about the fact that we won't always live in the same house breaks her down in tears. She declares she will never move out. (That may get awkward one day.) She thought about the fact that she couldn't cook, she couldn't shower herself, basically that she didn't know enough to be on her own. I told her we have a lot of time to learn things but if she sees something I do that she wants to learn how to do, to let me know and I will help her learn that thing.


She wanted to learn to cook. Not only did I teach her some things, I took her to a kids cooking class, which she loved. She is at a point now where she can make French Toast by herself. She is almost able to send a letter all by herself. She tied her own shoes for the first time completely by herself today. She has been working on that for a while. I told her there are a ton of ways to do just about everything so if she doesn't like the way I teach her, there might be some other adults or even older kids who can teach her what worked for them. (For the record-she doesn't care for the way I tie shoes.)


It doesn't feel like that long ago that I was trying to keep her from pulling furniture over as she free-climbed the bookcase. Now she rolls her eyes at me whenever I point out why it is no only important to be a good reader but fun to be a good reader and isn't she glad she learned to read? (*and yes, I even taught her the eye roll that follows that and told her to never do that to her boss.)


I am teaching her whatever I can about humor. About how to be very careful with joking around and what to look for as signs to stop. She was shocked that she made me laugh very hard the other night. She said, "that is the first time I made you laugh like that." She has been trying to make me laugh for a very long time. I told her once that what is funny to kids, isn't always funny to adults - and that is ok.


She learned the opposite too. When Gerry the fish died, she was devastated. That was the first "family member" close to her who died and she didn't understand why I wasn't more upset.


I explained that I get that this is hard because she loved Gerry very much, but to me - Gerry was a fish. A kind of  fish that is as notorious for suffering quick death as it is for living for-freaking-ever. That on the scale of fish dying to bad stuff- I had seen so many worse things that his passing didn't hit me as hard. I would miss him and always think of his incredible resiliency in being our pet but it wasn't the saddest thing I had seen.


I told her that she would see that with her friends at times too. That something can happen and it will affect some people and not others and that we need to be gracious with their feelings as they learn how to heal. She still gets sad about Gerry but she won't let me get rid of the tank or get a new fish. I am ok with that, she is learning to heal.


She is growing up fast, what feels like overnight but I am certain that when the time comes to leave home she will have all the skills she needs to figure out life on her own.

Failure

It is barely even 30 minutes into my work day and this word is heavy on my mind. One thing Xyla’s dad always said made him crazy about me is that it seemed like I never failed. Everything I wanted I achieved by what seemed like just saying it out loud. That is probably the most hurtful thing he ever said to me. He lived there. He saw every thing I did to work to make things happen and it is hurtful that he wanted to chalk it up to - oh, well, you are just lucky is all. I argue that if he was only going to listen to every third thing I said then he would certainly miss one important fact.

I fail constantly.

I failed to read to my daughter last night. Doesn’t matter the excuses I could put in there. The reality is I failed to do so long enough that she doesn’t expect it anymore.

I failed to quit coffee again today. I might fail that one again tomorrow.

I know that may seem trivial that what I consider failures aren’t “big” in any way to anyone else but they are big to me. It is why I work so hard to achieve the big stuff and consequently why it never seems to "fail". It is why I am diligent about them. I can’t remember to pick up my dry cleaning when I am supposed to but I can fill out that resume that may help me move to a job where I fit better. I have done that a thousand times. Failed to get 999 of those jobs too.

The reason it hits me so hard today. . . I failed Xyla one more time. I was in a promising relationship. No one was angry. No one did anything wrong. It just wasn’t the right time. He couldn’t see a way forward so he chose to end it. It was the humane thing to do and I wish more men showed this integrity.

I failed to make a significant enough connection. I am not quite sure what to do with that. I just know that I have to do this the way I do everything else. Start over from the beginning armed with new skills and information and try this damn thing again. I appreciate all positive thoughts you can spare today, I have to find a new way to sail my ship.