Children grow in leaps and bounds - everybody knows this. It is the long stretch to summer and it seems like some kids (read-mine) is already in the summer groove. She has been forgetting her homework lately. I did something for the first time I have never had to do. I had to punish her.
There is correction, which isn't punishment it is a nudge in the right direction when things start to go wrong. But this wasn't that. This was me telling her I needed her to focus even harder right now while she is supposed to still be learning important things at school.
The first time she forgot I told her to please remember it tomorrow. Sure mom. The second time she forgot I told her she can't play with her friends if she forgets her homework. Sure mom. She had to listen to me tell her friends she couldn't play because she forgot her homework a few times that week. I know they probably aren't old enough to get the concept yet but they all go to school with her and were supposed to influence her to remember. Nope.
So with the forgetting of Monday last week came the mother of all punishments. I told her no friends and no tv or electronics. Immediately she says, "that's not fair."
I know people think it is weird that I have these conversations with my kid but I don't care. She gets it. I told her it was exactly what fairness is. I told her that school is her one big responsibility. She was asked to focus and make sure her homework came home and got done. She said she would and she didn't hold up her end of the deal. I explained that playing with friends and electronics time is a privilege that she earns by being responsible. She has not done what she agreed to do, therefore, it is perfectly fair that she doesn't enjoy the privilege that follows the task.
Hopefully that was sufficiently painful enough for her to fully get it. She brought it home yesterday so we shall see. I explained that this is one of those life skills she will need to take care of herself one day and I am trying to teach it to her.
She is scared to death to be away from me. Every time she thinks about the fact that we won't always live in the same house breaks her down in tears. She declares she will never move out. (That may get awkward one day.) She thought about the fact that she couldn't cook, she couldn't shower herself, basically that she didn't know enough to be on her own. I told her we have a lot of time to learn things but if she sees something I do that she wants to learn how to do, to let me know and I will help her learn that thing.
She wanted to learn to cook. Not only did I teach her some things, I took her to a kids cooking class, which she loved. She is at a point now where she can make French Toast by herself. She is almost able to send a letter all by herself. She tied her own shoes for the first time completely by herself today. She has been working on that for a while. I told her there are a ton of ways to do just about everything so if she doesn't like the way I teach her, there might be some other adults or even older kids who can teach her what worked for them. (For the record-she doesn't care for the way I tie shoes.)
It doesn't feel like that long ago that I was trying to keep her from pulling furniture over as she free-climbed the bookcase. Now she rolls her eyes at me whenever I point out why it is no only important to be a good reader but fun to be a good reader and isn't she glad she learned to read? (*and yes, I even taught her the eye roll that follows that and told her to never do that to her boss.)
I am teaching her whatever I can about humor. About how to be very careful with joking around and what to look for as signs to stop. She was shocked that she made me laugh very hard the other night. She said, "that is the first time I made you laugh like that." She has been trying to make me laugh for a very long time. I told her once that what is funny to kids, isn't always funny to adults - and that is ok.
She learned the opposite too. When Gerry the fish died, she was devastated. That was the first "family member" close to her who died and she didn't understand why I wasn't more upset.
I explained that I get that this is hard because she loved Gerry very much, but to me - Gerry was a fish. A kind of fish that is as notorious for suffering quick death as it is for living for-freaking-ever. That on the scale of fish dying to bad stuff- I had seen so many worse things that his passing didn't hit me as hard. I would miss him and always think of his incredible resiliency in being our pet but it wasn't the saddest thing I had seen.
I told her that she would see that with her friends at times too. That something can happen and it will affect some people and not others and that we need to be gracious with their feelings as they learn how to heal. She still gets sad about Gerry but she won't let me get rid of the tank or get a new fish. I am ok with that, she is learning to heal.
She is growing up fast, what feels like overnight but I am certain that when the time comes to leave home she will have all the skills she needs to figure out life on her own.
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