Failure

It is barely even 30 minutes into my work day and this word is heavy on my mind. One thing Xyla’s dad always said made him crazy about me is that it seemed like I never failed. Everything I wanted I achieved by what seemed like just saying it out loud. That is probably the most hurtful thing he ever said to me. He lived there. He saw every thing I did to work to make things happen and it is hurtful that he wanted to chalk it up to - oh, well, you are just lucky is all. I argue that if he was only going to listen to every third thing I said then he would certainly miss one important fact.

I fail constantly.

I failed to read to my daughter last night. Doesn’t matter the excuses I could put in there. The reality is I failed to do so long enough that she doesn’t expect it anymore.

I failed to quit coffee again today. I might fail that one again tomorrow.

I know that may seem trivial that what I consider failures aren’t “big” in any way to anyone else but they are big to me. It is why I work so hard to achieve the big stuff and consequently why it never seems to "fail". It is why I am diligent about them. I can’t remember to pick up my dry cleaning when I am supposed to but I can fill out that resume that may help me move to a job where I fit better. I have done that a thousand times. Failed to get 999 of those jobs too.

The reason it hits me so hard today. . . I failed Xyla one more time. I was in a promising relationship. No one was angry. No one did anything wrong. It just wasn’t the right time. He couldn’t see a way forward so he chose to end it. It was the humane thing to do and I wish more men showed this integrity.

I failed to make a significant enough connection. I am not quite sure what to do with that. I just know that I have to do this the way I do everything else. Start over from the beginning armed with new skills and information and try this damn thing again. I appreciate all positive thoughts you can spare today, I have to find a new way to sail my ship.