What are my goals? What is there to reach for now?
A long time ago my youth pastor gave a message about listening for the still small voice of God. (Thank you Ty.) He encouraged us that if we wanted to hear Gods voice we should pray and ask to be able to discern between God's voice and what is equivalent to our internal monologue. I felt like I had led a pretty decent life up until that point but that something was missing. I felt like in my relationship with God the conversations were decidedly one sided. I heard a lot of my own voice but I never really heard his. I asked for a lot of things and didn't really feel I was getting answers. So I prayed . . . I prayed that I would "really" hear his voice.
About a week later my mom had sent me to McDonalds with some cash to pick up some quick breakfast. I was standing in line behind an elderly couple and behind me was another business looking woman. As I am standing there the cashier tells the elderly woman the amount and she sets about looking for her coin purse (because that was the word she used).
It occured to her that she had left the purse at home and that neither she nor her husband had any money to pay for the food. Immediately in my head I hear "pay or their food". Then I thought, "I should pay for their food, I wonder how much it is, will I have enough for their food and for ours, I have to show up at home with our food, I am sure mom is as hungry as me . . ." as I am standing there making excuses for myself the woman behind me places some money on the counter and walks out the door. It was more than enough for their food.
I felt so guilty because two things had happened, one I got what I asked for I heard God's voice, and two when I failed to move on God's direction he used someone else to bless that couple. The part that really got to me was I had more than enough money to pay for their food and for ours. Not only that but I know that if I went home with out money or food and explained to my mom what happened, she would have given me more money and I could have gone back for food. I felt very humbled. Was it that God had never spoken to me before or that I was so self absorbed that I was just talking over Him?
A few years ago I had gone my own path and tried to do things my own way. After all I had gotten myself this far. (Pride - fall . . . you know what they say.) I was shooting an interview with a reporter I hold in great esteem. We interviewed Dave Ramsey. He is a money guy. You can read his blog, his bio, ect if you google his name. Banks and credit card companies hate that name. He is a very charismatic speaker. I don't agree with all of his politics but his money theory is biblically based and inspired me to listen once again when that voice spoke to me. I don't know if it was in a dream or what but one day I woke up and knew two things I was going to get my money under control and my relationship was going to suffer for it.
I began tracking my spending, cutting out things I knew were unnecessary and saying no to the one person who made it feel good to say yes when it came to spending money. Phrases he used were "you deserve it", "you work hard for that money and you should enjoy it" and "if you are going to get one shouldn't it be the best one." Often that meant pulling out the credit card and buying things I could "pay for with my next check" (which never happened). I got up to $5,000 in debt on that credit card. Like many others my company kept upping my limit but I could barely swallow the minimum payment with out choking. I was on the verge of not being able to pay my bills and that was not a place I ever wanted to be.
The voice I heard told me to follow a path that would not be easy. I have heard that word before too. I have the best - best friend as a result so I knew God had good things in store and it made it an easy choice to make. I knew that obeying this word was probably going to mean leaving my relationship behind but God prepared me for that. Mid way through my plan to get things under control I became pregnant. I knew that something other than what my partner was telling me was going on with someone else and three months into my pregnancy found out it was with someone he'd already cheated on me with. Which made it easier to remove him as a force in my life. Where as before I was tempted to let him back in to my life so that I wouldn't be lonely . . . the numbers just wouldn't allow it to happen. If I wanted God's gift in my life, if I wanted to see what blessing was in store for being obedient to the direction He gave me . . . I just couldn't let him back into a position of influence in my life.
But now the pressure to do what I set out to do was mounting, I had reason to get things in order . . . I had a new, precious, life scheduled to arrive and I couldn't look back. Financially things fell into place at exactly the right time I got a new job, I was able to take in a roommate for a short period of time, I was able to be strict about my spending in a way I hadn't been in years and it felt good to see things meeting ends. As soon as my debt was squared away, the markets crashed. I got this image in my head of standing on a rock and the waves crashing around me but not touching me. It was something I had drawn in a sketch book years and years ago but I was feeling it this time instead of just looking at it. All I could do was praise the One who helped me to recognize His voice and put me in a place where trusting Him became easier than waking up in the morning.
I made a promise to God that when my child was born I would do everything I could to raise her according to His plan. To help her to trust in God the way I am learning to. Ever since July of last year we have been coming to church every Sunday. We have been attending People's Church. I have been to many churches across the nation that have taught me many things. The importance of worship, the importance of fellowhsip, the power of a church that prays. I was concerned with this church when I first went to it. I have been to big churches before and some preach the "salvation" message every Sunday. I feel there is a mission field for those churches but I don't need to be saved every Sunday, I need to be fed the word. That is why I am thankful I found this church. I can see the evidence of listening when God speaks to you. But most of all I am learning that in every message there is something God wants me to hear, some aspect of himself he wants to reveal, some thing he wants me to work on and I am pushing past thinking, "It would be great if so and so were here, I think this message was just right for them." To thinking, "If this message were meant for so and so, they would be here, but they are not and I am, so what in this message is just for me."
It feels really good to have the opportunity I am embarking on this next Sunday. It is father's day and I am going to confess to the church my promise to God to raise my daughter to follow Him. What ever sacrifices we have to make, "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
This last Sunday was very special to me. The word that was for me was the nature of "faith", and to see my little girl at one year old raising her hands in praise during the worship service and praising her heart out even though she doesn't know many words. It reminds me of where my journey began and helps me to know we are in the right place.
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