I had a disturbing dream last night. It wasn't something I worried about after Xyla was born. Please understand this is one of the things I worried about when I was about to become the mother of a mixed child. I honestly thought she was going to be quite a bit darker than she is because, honestly, have you seen her dad? I worried about having to prove to someone that she is my daughter.
In my dream Xyla and I are at the park. It is a park that is familiar in the dream but not in real life. Meaning, in the dream it's a place we go all the time. It's no secret Xyla and I don't look much alike. She looks like a lightly toasted version of her father. I know and most black folks know that she is mixed, however, if you are white and don't know us there is a good chance you'd never really know that fact by looking at her.
Back to the dream. The couple in the dream have the faces of two people from a blog I read regularly. (I am sure they would never do in real life what they did in the dream so I won't name names.) After spending all day in the park and noticing the couple, with their own children, watching us uncomfortably closely, I decide it is time to leave because quite frankly they are creeping me out. Their van is parked on the street side of mine. It is blocked from behind by a smaller car and the drive way out of the parking lot is a thin one.
They decide that this can't possibly be my child because she is black and I am white and that they must intervene to avert what they think is a kidnapping. As I turn to load Xyla in the car the man grabs a hold of her and forcefully takes her from me. His wife is already loading her own kids into their van. She leaves the door of the van open and comes to her husbands side. I am screaming at him. Telling him to give me my child. He says, "we don't think she belongs to you. You are going to have to prove that she is yours before a judge, we are not giving her back until we are sure she is safe." He turns and starts to walk around my car to their van.
I feel nearly helpless. I can't take her back without hurting her. I can't stop them and there isn't anyone to help me. The only thing I can think to do is try to stop them from leaving and call the cops to sort it out. I grab my phone out of the car and stand directly in front of their van. They keep yelling, "you have to move. You can't just stand there." I yell at them, "you can't just take my child." I start trying to think where I left her birth certificate and what is the number to 911 . . . and about how in thirty seconds this guy could decide to drive over top of me and I don't know them so I don't know where they live and I might never see her again. Then I wake up.
I hate that thought. The thought that anyone thinks they might have the right to take her from me because we don't look alike. The thought that I should be carrying around her birth certificate to prove that I am her mother. The thought that someone would actually think that she isn't safe with me. It is the worst feeling in the world. The idea that complete strangers would think that it was their place to step in and basically kidnap my child because they don't know us. It was very upsetting.
This dream was no different from most of my dreams in that, I knew I was dreaming. I just haven't been able to shake the yucky feeling it gave me all day. She is everything good that has happened to me all rolled into one person. I made the effort today to have a special day. Since it is "Free Fishing Days", one of two in the year that you don't have to have a state license to fish in Oklahoma, I took her fishing. Last week we lasted an hour and 20 minutes. This week we were there significantly less time but we did get our poles wet. We went for a walk. I asked her if she wanted to go over to the park on the other side and she said, "sure, momma." Once we got in the car I asked, "are you ready to go over there to the park?" She said, "no, momma."
I said, " you aren't ready?" she didn't answer. I said, "you don't want to go to the park." She said, "no, momma." I was a bit relieved. I didn't really want to go to the park either. I asked again to be sure and again she said, "no, momma." We went to the library instead. We found a couple of books and tried to get her on the kids computers and found out she has to have her own card to do so. We signed her up for a card. We picked up lunch and came home.
She ate some of her food, the dog ate some of her food. I ate my food, which wasn't that tasty.
I let her play outside for a little while and then it was time to take a nap. I made her lay down. She cried. I asked her if she wanted me to hold her, she said, "no, I crying." I asked her why she was crying. She didn't know, she cried louder. This is a difficult age for me. By the time my sister's little girl was this age she was able to describe to the girl at the take out window, in some detail, exactly what she thought of the service they were getting.
I was sure she was overly tired and just having a tough time going to sleep. I tried to get her to calm down and close her eyes but she just kept crying. I didn't know what to do for her and she doesn't know how to tell me what's wrong. She had been saying, "I crying," throughout the day. And at random she would burst into tears. For no reason. The sentiment inside of me was coming out of her. Right now she is running on two hours of trying to nap with no success and I am running on empty. I feel a sense of helplessness and loss that I can't seem to shake and there isn't a precipitating reason for it.
I would have spent time in prayer during her nap but obviously that didn't go like I hoped. I will before I collapse in bed tonight. In the mean time, here's a few shots from the day.
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