The cultural value of the birthday party

I guess I have been a parent long enough it just doesn't occur to me what non-parents might not know. I am not going to mention this friend's name because I appreciate her honesty in asking the questions. Today, we are attending a child's birthday party. Here are some of the rules for those who have been invited:
1. They intend to feed you/r kid unless stated otherwise.
     a. Most birthdays are planned around the lunch or dinner hour for that reason. If the party is a 2 pm it is fair to ask if the kids will need to be fed prior to attendance. Likewise if it is a pool party.
     b. If your kid needs special food, either bring your back up or when you rsvp let the host parent know there as special needs. Also, if this is you, rsvp early before they shop for the party.

2. At a location event, the party package is paid for for the kids invited, if you have other kids who weren't invited but are coming anyway, it is courteous to be prepared to pay for the extra kids food and entertainment. Unless ther's a clown.

3. $20 or less is a good round number for gifts. Remember that the kids you invite, you should be prepared to go to that number of birthday parties. It is expected that you will put out an equal amount on their kid's gift as they put into yours. You don't want craptastic but you shouldn't buy a trampoline either. Try to think about the economic impact on their family if you buy something big and they know that if they don't reciprocate they run the risk of seeming cheap. If you buy something big, expect they might be "out of town" the week of your kid's party. The exception here is if you have it like that, your kids friends probably do too. But know there is a culturally acceptable number at that tax bracket too.

4. Always know whether the parents are expected to stay. And this is the question that was asked. "Is this what parents do?" And the answer is yes. If you stay, you get to veg out a little, if you get to leave you have free childcare for 2-4 hours that you will never get elsewhere. If you've gone 7 years
knowing even your bathroom moments can be invaded, it gives you that little break to keep going.

Really though, kids need to have friends outside of school. They need to be able to go to the parties they are invited to. It helps build their social confidence. Someone liked them enough to invite them, going is the reciprocal follow-through. In an ideal world for me, the parties wouldn't include the gifts. Kids don't understand the significance at such a young age and I feel they would get more out of just spending time with other kids.

Next year I might hire some chairs from the message school and hold a parent's time out break shop at the same time as the birthday party. The parents deserve it. You are welcome.

Twelve and a half minutes

He had called and was ready to be picked up for the night. He asked how long it would be until I got there. It was cold and he didn't want to wait outside. I told him 12 1/2 minutes. He thought that was oddly specific. Obviously, he didn't believe me because he wasn't waiting outside when I arrived 12 1/2 minutes from the time he hung up. I had complained to him before that if I was giving him a ride home that he needed to be outside when I came to get him. That is the only part he ever heard. Me giving him a command and probably why he ignored it. The problem was that after the club he Dj'd at "kicked everyone out" at closing time, they locked the doors.


They only ever locked the doors. The people were all still in there and the music was still blaring so no one could hear me knocking on the door. Every time I tried to call, he couldn't hear his phone ring, that's if he could remember where he left it. I stood out side in the cold waiting for more than half an hour for him to be ready to go. What I had actually said to him was that I couldn't get to him if he wasn't outside waiting for me and that I didn't really care to stand in the cold either.


Long before we had this discussion, I had timed how long it took to get from my front door to the club to pick him up. He thought it was because I was obsessed with trying to catch him in a lie but it was because I worked in television I had this need to know how long it would take to get from one place to another so I could tell my assignment desk whether I would be able to meet their needs for a given story. Bricktown had it's own seedy reasons for me needing to know how long it takes to get there.


It wasn't just Bricktown that I knew, it took 7 1/2 minutes to get from the Broadway Extension overpass near 39th street to the office as long as traffic wasn't backed up. In rush hour that was 15 minutes by freeway or 13 by back road as soon as I could get to the road by the gas station.


In television, photojournalists live and die on stolen minutes and decisive action. If you were lucky your reporter knew how to tune in the microwave signal. If you weren't you were doing that while you were furiously editing with your other hand and talking to the producer about where you were in the show. Talk about multi-tasker. And dangerous too, one breaking news day one of our veteran photojournalists almost drove off with the mast still up in the air.  That day was courtesy of the college football player who was caught using his "key" to fill up with gas at a gas station near his school which was allegedly one of the un-paid-for perks of recruitment to that school.


When I started working for the state I was told to slow down. As if I was going to run out of things to do if I worked too fast. When I went to work for the Feds, I was told to slow down even more. I couldn't believe it. I tried, I really did. Slow is not a pace I am comfortable working.


It is likely why I did so well balancing school, single-mom and full-time work. I am used to a pace that induces a cortisol response. I am also used to puzzle solving. Gathering information, timing, knowing strengths and weaknesses and forming and enacting a plan of action to deliver the product on-time. I don't thrive in an environment where there are loose deadlines. I am also not comfortable with working in situations where people think they won't be hurt by bending rules.


I have participated in the downfall of people who thought they would never be caught and others who were roasted as scape goats for institutional folly. I like what one multibillionaire said to his share holders, the company had to behave with integrity they would like to see reported on by a knowledgeable but unfriendly reporter.


The reason I bring this up is because I have been reading "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene. It talks about the multitude of ways people can assume power using one or a combination of tactics. It makes me cringe just reading it. The thing I keep telling myself is that people actually think this way. The scheme and farce and con their way into serving themselves. The way Greene writes makes it seem as if the game is the most important thing, the fact that overzealously playing the game could lead to a beheading is merely an inconvenience.


I will use a journalism condition here. It is a lot like the lookie-loos at a traffic accident I don't know why I keep looking at it but damned if I didn't just slow down to look closer. Although, it is a helpful reference as I am watching politics leading to the election. I have a play book to watch the game with and it satisfies my journalistic instincts to determine which part will be played by whom.


Let the games begin.

PTSD Working Notes Entry 1

I don’t know how many of you know that I have been interested in learning psychology for the purpose of studying PTSD. It seems as though most current research is trying to find a cure-all method that will work for the majority of people. I read a book by Malcolm Gladwell titled Outliers: The story of sucess. It explained a few things that got me to thinking on the topic of interest.

The book talks about how language can account for some of the reason most Asian cultures are better at math. It talks about how the way the culture relates to power structure can have something to do with why some planes crash. It talks about how seemingly random advantages in sports can come down to arbitrary cut-off dates in the little leagues.

I got to thinking about those factors.

PTSD, to me, seems to be the subconscious trying to boot or delete information that doesn’t fit into the mind’s neat little picture of the world. Because the person is not dealing with the stimulus consciously, the subconscious is mulling it over. Your subconscious is what holds the constructs that have built “you” so it makes sense that it would need to work out the problem.

It has to do with how we learn. There are two ways we learn that I want to talk about, through repeated exposure or through cortisol responses to “life” threatening stimulus. I will likely go into these ideas in a later post.

What is perceived as normal to any given person has a lot to do with where they came from, who was there with them and their capacity for abstract thinking.

I wonder if there are a set of factors that could be determined about a person that could identify what kind of treatment is likely to work for individuals.

For instance, people from high context cultures are going to be less able to express clearly what they are going through both because of the power differential and because they naturally communicate through subtext. Also, many high context cultures are also community oriented which means it is likely that for people from those cultures and/or cultural backgrounds being in a support group with peers is likely to be more effective than one on one therapy with a psychologist.

Be Honest, I can take it.

I learned something about myself this week.

I hate being lied to.

It is the ultimate insult if you think about it. They don't care about destroying the relationship. This is a natural consequence of lies. Worst case scenario they never see you again, in calculating that cost, they determined you were expendable in their life. You are not valuable enough to tell the truth to.

In making up the lie, they rarely say it outloud and listen to their own voice. Usually, lies are made up on the spot and are never very good. But they don't respect you enough to give you a believable one. Essentially establishing that they don't believe you are smart enough to figure out their lie.

I felt there was someone in my life who didn't respect me. That person's behavior reinforced it continuously. A matter came up that I became aware of and it was that person's responsibility to tell me my resources had changed. Only, the didn't tell me. I let it go until it came time to need the resource and I asked about it.

This is the second time in the last week this person has told me what a coincidence it was that I ask about that very thing as they were just working that issue. The person proceeded to over detail the response with unneccessary information. Information I knew to be a bold faced lie.

I felt the adrenaline rise in that moment. I needed to say, "your pants are on fire and here is the ash to prove it."

Only, I can't say anything. It was something they didn't have to lie about, a simple one sentence answer would have communicated the only part I needed. this person has control over an aspect of my life. I am not afraid to stand behind my truth telling. The thing that concerns me most is I am not sure what else this person will lie about to save their skin and whose cost is it going to be at? For me the consequences are not that great. For others who are under this person it could prove detrimental to their career.

But the thing I hate the most about when someone lies to me is what it does to me. I get that people lie to protect themselves. In this case I am pretty sure that is the cause of the choice. I know that many liars will insist on their lie even in the face irrefutable evidence. But what it makes me do, and this process I saw like it was onstage in front of me, I lose all of the rationality that gets me through the day and I focus on destroying the lie. I look at the holes, I look at the angles until I figure it out and I destroy it.

I don't like that my heart does that. Because destroying the lie sometimes destroys the person who told it. I hate that it makes me so mad. I hate that it takes control of my life like that. So, today I am choosing to grow. I said it to someone I care very deeply for this week. It is not what lying to me says about how they feel about me that matters, it is how I react to it that determines who I am. And who I am is entirely in my control.

I choose to be a person who sees that this person's lie is likely more about their insecurity than it has anything to do with me. I know they lied, they know they lied but of the two of us I don't have to carry that lie with me. So I am choosing to lay it down.

What does it mean to lay down a lie?

It means I realize that the consequence of that lie will catch them. It will compound with other lies and will eventually crush them. I take no delight in that. Someone tried to crush me once for a perceived wrong and it feels very desperate. I don't want anyone else to endure that. It is not my job to punish that person.

I just need to do everything I can to be truthful.

Nothing is going my way

She says, "Momma, I'm scared." Yesterday, she was just about out of her mind with boredom when one of our neighbors came for a visit. They had been playing upstairs. Another kid came over for a while. He left. We feed the first kid. About 6 bites into dinner, the second kid comes back and lures the first kid out the door with candy. Xyla is upset. So we talk about the dynamics. I tell her it wasn't right for the second kid to take the first kid away. There are just too many factors to navigate here. But I let my daughter get a feel for validation. Today, she writes me a note. The note says the same thing she has been saying since our talk yesterday. She doesn't like it when friend 2 takes her other friends away. So I tell her that right now she has a choice. She may continue to feel that way or she may choose to forgive friend 2. I tell her that if she makes the other friends choose her or each other she should be prepared to lose two friends. If she chooses to forgive, I will go with her to talk to friend 2 about what is happening. She decides to forgive but she is scared of the confrontation. I told her everyone is. But practicing this skill will help her be good at resolving differences. Not only that but she will learn how to stand up for herself, which is very important. Tonight, she starts thinking about all the points she wants to make. Tomorrow, we go talk to friend 2 and his mom. Pray that God gives us restorative words to help bring friends back together.

When the Hawk Strikes

I read an article today that railed on the common core math and the teacher who taught it not being able to see that 5+5+5 gets you the same answer as 3+3+3+3+3 and both are correct to the process asked for in the instructions.
 

I completely understand the frustration. Yesterday, for example. Going over Xyla’s math for the day I noticed a “wrong” answer that was a matter of semantics. There were two dogs drawn in the box. The question said, “How many feet do the dogs have?” Xyla answered 4. This was marked wrong. I know I should let it go because getting into an argument with the teacher about what kind of question is asking for situational awareness and which is asking for a sum is kind of a pointless battle. But just so I can write it down and get it out in public. The question should have been “How many dog feet are there?” Because if you look at it technically, Xyla was right. Each dog does only have four feet and the question didn’t really ask for a sum total of dog feet.
 

Then we met another challenge. Part of Xyla's homework is to read a passage and then answer questions about that passage. I am not going to pretend to understand my daughter at every turn but the more I learn about her, the more I like her. When she got the last question on this work page different from what I expected, I asked her about it.

 
The story was the Three Billy Goats Gruff. The first two goats trick the troll on the bridge promising he will get a bigger meal if he waits. The largest crosses, troll tries to collect, goat pushes troll off the bridge. The moral is supposed to be "Don't be greedy." So after the reading the first question was, where were the goats headed? The middle two questions were similar. Last question was, "Was it right for the goat to push the troll off the bridge?" She emphatically writes, "NO!" Not certain she understood what was being asked in the question, I asked it out loud, she says no it wasn't right. Not being one to leave this alone I ask her why she decided that. She said because it is mean to push anyone off a bridge.

 
I guess it is to be expected that they will teach moral reasoning by asking the kids to form and deliver an opinion from something not specifically mentioned in the text. But I want to know from the teacher's perspective, what is the answer key answer here? I ask that because the answer's wrongness is subjective.

 
While the pushing could be considered justifiable because, in fairness, the troll was trying to eat him and his brothers. However, I can't say Xyla is wrong. I mean, the first two goats deceived the troll and the third goat solved the problem with violence and went on about his day like he didn't just hurt someone. We are talking some Goodfellas BS right here. This is an “eye for an eye vs. turn the other cheek” dilemma and I am interested to know which they are teaching my kid. If they teach turn the other cheek, we move to California, if they teach eye for an eye, Texas.

 
Now, I can be accused of putting too much thought into this but this kind of argument played out in my community this week. One lady “rescued” a dove that was being attacked by a hawk. She wanted to know where to take it to get it care. It is a Eurasian Collard Dove and an invasive species. One guy was super crass and suggested she break its neck and eat it. While everyone else seemed to be trying to tell her where to take it so it can be rehabbed.

 
All I keep thinking is, if she takes it wherever she decides is worthy, they will likely smile nicely at her and take the bird. As soon as she is gone, they will probably put it outside to see if it will fly off on its own. If it doesn’t, they are likely to put it down because it is an invasive species.

 

My community thinks that “hawks are bad” because they are predatory and the dove is peaceful and innocent. Truth is, the number of doves may drive out other native species of bird and predator or not – the hawk has to eat, too. He just happens to eat other birds. The hawk eating the invasive species is not necessarily a bad thing. The community thinks the hawk is bad not because the hawk is bad but because they sympathize with the woman who has an emotional attachment to a bird she sees every day. The emotional attachment, peacefulness, terror, etc. those are all human emotions we place on the situation. We do this because of Disney. Just because some character is being delivered as “bad” doesn’t mean it is, it might mean you just don’t have enough of the story to make a decision. Which explains the entire genre of the anti-fairy tale. The stories where the author tell the tale from another perspective. Can you say When the Clock Strikes?

 

I don’t like the way the crass guy handled it but he was right. It is a measure of what is valued more. What has more value is usually measured by community standard (the woman’s sentimentality for the dove) and not reality (the cycle of life). If you do a side by side comparison of the characters of the Gruff story you might feel the way Xyla does about pushing the troll off the bridge.

 

Troll – lives at the bridge, eats other animals. Is hungry and maybe has some cognitive delays if he is so easily trickable by the goats.

 

Goats – do they have a right to eat in the pasture on the other side of the bridge? Isn’t deceit and assault also bad behavior?

 

We want to think that the assault is justifiable because the big goat was “defending” himself and his brothers but what if he wasn’t. Have you met a goat? These goats could have been bullying the whole neighborhood. Going house to house taking things that weren’t theirs. Speculation aside, I like the idea that my child thinks that all life has equal value. Her goldfish is just as important to her as her cousins. That is something that may change over time but for now, even though I am pretty sure the teacher will say it is wrong, I am not going to correct Xyla on this one. Being able to see things another way is a valuable skill. Now that I know she can think that way, I am going to encourage her to use it. There are college students who can't defend their answers intelligently but my 2nd grader can. She might be a brilliant writer someday.

Upsetting the Balance

This is one of those days I wish I had the support to be a stay at home mom. Yesterday was Columbus Day so I had the day off. Xyla did not. I decided to see how much I could get done after I drop her off and before I have to pick her up.



I know I have my best ideas early in the morning. (Most of the time between 2 and 4 am.) So it wasn't shocking that I found that I would be able to get a lot done between the hours of 5 am and 8:40 if I were a stay at home mom. That's two full loads of drying laundry with at least one load making it into drawers. That is time for cooking breakfast as opposed to breakfast in a box. That is getting one kid and myself ready for the day. Getting up at 4 am would afford all of that and enough time to workout and shower. Though I would likely have to wear my hair curly but that would be ok with me.




After delivering small child to school and the bell rings, I jumped in my car and started my day. I allowed myself to be horribly side tracked but it only cost me $25. Then I took my car for an oil change. If I had stayed on track, I would have been able to wash the other two loads of laundry, pick up after the kid tornado that swept through my living room with the neighbor boys and my daughter as F3 force winds and her toys and papers as debris.




I made it home in time to cull all the papers that were living on the freezer, liberate the freezer burned foods that had been trapped there because of the living paper stack and move the plants around so that we had room to use the kitchen table as a kitchen table. I got the dishes done and had a plan of what to make for dinner.




I picked up the small child and we completed her homework before 4pm. That gave her time to play and eat. If I had more time at home, I could do those things that make our space livable that I just don't have time to do right now. We would have ample time to learn Spanish as a family.


Sadly, I don't have this kind of time every day. While it seems insurmountable - I am certain that I can figure out how to get it all done as a working mom. I guess I will just have to start getting up at 2 am to figure it all out.




*smile*