The Crossroad.

I am at a very scary junction in life.  It isn't about the decisions I have to make that makes it scary.  It is the fact that once again I am standing here alone.  I have told many of my friends that their hearts wouldn't long for a partner in life if it weren't meant for them.  I don't know if I believe that any more.  Every man I meet sees me in this way that they can't describe but then cannot be the man I need them to be.  One of them actually told me that.  At least he was honest with himself and with me.

I know that the man I am looking for exists.  I have met him many times.  He is many friends of mine.  He is always interested in some one else.  He always marries someone else.  He always just wants to be my friend.  

The problem seems to be that I need a man in a way different from the way other women need a man.  I can take care of myself, not because I am passionate about independence but because I have had to be.  I don't know any other way.  At least four times in the last few months I have really needed someone to be there for me.  Each time I reached out, the person I reached out to didn't hear what I was saying and added his own fuel to the fire.  I did what I always do.  I shut down, realized this person is not the help I am looking for and I moved through it as quickly as possible.

I have worried for a long time that I have very little feelings.  I have thought that is why I have been able to withstand working in television news with all of the things we see that are hard for the average person to deal with.  It's why I don't cry very often.  Tonight I want to cry out of exhuastion.  I am not exhuasted with my responsibilities, I am exhuasted with the weight of loneliness.  I have been carrying this burden for a long time.  I don't want to make a mistake and choose the wrong person, but there are days when it seems like at least the wrong person would be someone.

I spent four years with a wrong someone.  I know how much worse the loneliness feels when the wrong someone who is supposed to be there just isn't.  I wore myself out trying to be the best me I could be, in the end it wasn't enough.  I wasn't the right person for him either.  So tonight I am praying that the right person who can see the way I need him and fill that need will come into my life soon.  I am tired and I need rest from the loneliness.  But I have to continue on this path, even if I have to go alone because the blessing of the right person will wash away all the years of burden.  So let me pick up this old pack again.  Let me start walking, let me keep praising God for his goodness.  Let me keep trusting that he is leading me toward the blessings he has for me.  Let me be strong.  It's who I am.