Room to Grow

I know a person who recently married her husband again to keep the peace in their home. She stated honestly that she was sure the marriage would end in less than 3 years. I started thinking about that in my own life. I have been an “old maid/spinster” for a long time. My perspective of her situation is one that believes that her husband was giving an honest effort to symbolically display his willingness to own the process of changing himself into the man she needs. Caveat: I am not a member of that relationship so my perspective is seriously skewed and does not reflect the reality the people face. I had one thought that has haunted me since she made her confession. I thought, “Aren’t you going to give him room to change and grow?”.

Then I remembered, those things we see about others that bother us most are things we usually don’t like about ourselves. So I decided that my attitude toward the situation is not about her, it is about me. I have been reading an article that talks about how we sabotage our relationships (www.positivelypositive.com). One of three suggestions they have for ending the cycle is to manage our expectations of the other person. My interpretation: give them room to be who they are.

If I am going to give them room to be who they are, I have to do something that is hard to do. I have to erase all of the trappings I put on them and really see them for who they are. Something I expect them to do my direction, but forgot that was a two way street.

I was involved in a relationship with a person who would frequently change from a confident extrovert to an irrationally fearful person and I could never figure out why. Those times when the switch hit were the times I was suffocating him in my expectations. I wasn’t giving him the room to be who he was. I lost a phenomenal friendship.

I have had so many people tell me they are intimidated by my accomplishments and they are afraid to get close to me. I think the part they don’t say is that they think I will expect lofty aspirations from them and they are afraid to disappoint me. What they never stick around long enough to learn is that I . . . fail . . . at my aspirations all . . . the . . . time. Allthetime. I am not afraid of it though. I am the kind of person who believes failure is a chance to start again with more information. If you see me achieve something, it probably isn’t the first time I tried it. Remember I mentioned that I am a “spinster”.

I have to do better about showing my vulnerabilities. Mostly because I see reactions in my daughter when certain things happen that more than fearing being in trouble, she fears not fitting into my expectation of her. That is the most terrifying thing in her life. That she will be rejected by me because she is not the person she is expected to be. I am not sure when the epiphany will hit but I am trying to emphasize whenever I can that she makes good choices and has good ideas, even when it isn’t what I would do.

She told me she wants to be just like me, she tried – and I mean it was painful to watch – to love tomatoes. She tried so hard because it was what I liked and she wanted to be like me. I told her I felt loved that she wanted to be like me but that she was also her own person. I told her that I wouldn’t love her less if she didn’t like tomatoes. Her dad doesn’t like them, neither does her uncle and that is ok. Then I mentioned that she likes seaweed snacks and I can’t handle them. I told her it is ok for her to like things I don’t like too. It is ok for her to be a different person from me and I will still love her. The important thing to remember is that our actions toward others should lean closer to showing love rather than exclusion.

She has a friend who I overheard telling her that she would be her friend and give her some item, only if she stayed by her side all day. I checked that right there. I told her “friendship should never be conditional and should never be bought. Either you are her friend or you are not, that should never have anything to do with stuff. This is the same friend Xyla and I talked about earlier in the school year. She said she wasn’t sure if she could be friends with her anymore because this friend wouldn’t let her play with other kids and sometimes she just wanted to play with other kids. She said that every time she wanted to play with someone else, this friend would tell her she wasn’t her best friend anymore.

First, I asked her how she felt about that. She said it made her feels sad. Before school started I asked her to keep an eye out for kids who sit the fence, who don’t get included, who don’t have any other friends. And she has done really well at that. When I went to lunch with her at school, all of the kids told me they loved her because when they felt lonely and new and awkward, Xyla was there to be a friend. She said she likes how that feels to help others who feel left out but that this friend wouldn’t let her do that.

I told her what her friend did was called manipulation. It is a way for people who are scared to lose the friendship to make you feel bad for “leaving”, even momentarily, so that you won’t leave. I told her this is fear people have because they have lost things like friendship before and it hurt. I told her that she had a choice. I told her this is something she will encounter many times in her life. Any choice she made she didn’t have to put up with that behavior but she would have to confront it.

I told her there were at least three options I could see and maybe she might think of another way. The first option is to not be friends with her anymore. She didn’t like that option. The second option is to be friends with her but explain that it is ok to have more than one friend and that her playing with other kids doesn’t mean their friendship was over, they would still be friends tomorrow and for a long time. The third option is to have the other kid come play with both of them. I told her she was the only one who could decide what she wanted to do. I told her it would feel scary at first but she needed to ask for what she wanted and that I would support whatever decision she made.

She never told me what she decided but I can see the results. There are many, many times when she declines to spend time with this girl. There are times when they are nearly inseparable. Whenever this person requests a playdate, I always ask Xyla when we are away from her if she wants to play with her. And I support her decision.

I tell her my expectation is not that she will be just like me, my expectation is that she tries always to treat people well. My expectation is that she will not allow unwelcome manipulation. My expectation is that she will ask clearly for what she wants. I tell her no one can do these things perfectly. I tell her, it is what I expect of myself every day and I often fail. The important part is to try. I tell her how much I learn from her every day (she never believes it – maybe one day she’ll read this blog and realize I wasn’t kidding).  We both have to learn how to recognize our emotions, express what we want and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.

And then I have to give her room to grow.