There are times . . . and this was one.

After this abrupt tragedy C is definitely acting differently.  He is very matter of fact about what happened.  He doesn't want to answer questions.  He doesn't want to talk about D at all.  The acting differently part is that he didn't come to me at all.  Up until just a few months ago when things would go wrong he would still come and expect some sort of comforting from me.  Maybe this wound is just too deep rooted or maybe he really has "moved on".   In one case I hope he reaches out to someone, even if it isn't me.  The death of a close friend is not something you should keep inside.  In the other case I am relieved.  And the thing that makes me think it is the latter and not the former is rubber bands.

It is a small symbol but really it is significant.  He asked me to give him a ride to his grandmother's house so he could get his hair braided.  His aunt was commenting on the rubber bands that he had and how they weren't the "good" ones.  I spoke out of my behind when I told her I couldn't find the "good ones" at the Walmart by my house and those were the ones I bought from Queens beauty supply.  Then she pulled a few of them out.  They were rainbow colored and are the kind that rip your hair out.  I realized I put my foot in it so I didn't say anything else.  

Before you think that he could have bought them for himself let me just note here that he doesn't go to the store to pick up rubber bands and he knows which are the good ones and he knows which store you have to go to to get them.  The good ones I bought were about three years old.  There were a few left in his "hair bag" but they were busting apart.  He looked at his aunt funny when she told him she could use them because of that.  I told him, the ones I bought were more than three years old and rubber breaks down over time so they probably weren't any good any more.  Who ever he is with now is white (that'd be why she doesn't know the difference between the rubber bands you use for braids) and is trying hard but just not getting it.  I am glad he has found someone else and is letting loose a bit about her being a part of his life.  It is harder for him to be alone than it is for me.  It makes me feel better about thinking about dating again.  I think enough time has passed for both of us to realize that no matter how hard we tried to mush it all together it just wasn't going to work.  He caused me pain and I made him feel suffocated.   If it were right neither of us would feel that way.  

Please don't mistake what I am about to say for low self esteem.  It is not.  It is history, my relationship history.  I am a good person but I have never been worth changing ones life for.  No one has ever looked at their relationship with me and decided "I am going to make this one different, I want to make this one work."  And then changed the way they act toward women.  It is usually the person they find after me that makes them want to do right by that person.  

I just want this time to be different.  I just want someone to want me for who I am.  I want to make this one count for something positive.